The Torchwood Rulebook
by GwirryFell
Summary: The Cardiff Teams writes a list of rules - if only they could take themselves seriously!


co-written by Legs of 'lege-et-lacrima', the Warlockratically Dynamic Fanfictioneering Duo - Thanks hon!

I don't own anything. Except Morrie (an OC who is Ianto's daughter) and Jon (John Hart's younger clone)

TORCHWOOD THREE'S RULES FOR SURVIVING WORKING AT TORCHWOOD CARDIFF

1. Don't die. Unless you're Jack. Then you can die as much as you want.

2. Alien Tech needs to have undergone a diagnostic before you use it.

3. Morrie and Ianto are the only ones allowed to use the coffee machine - that's final.

4. DON"T TAKE ARTEFACTS HOME!

5. Can we please not trust the other John if he turns up again? Because that's twice now he's backstabbed someone.

6. One language at a time, please.

7. Don't feed the weevils!

8. Do NOT, under any circumstances, annoy Owen before 10 am.

9. Obscure references are only fun when EVERYONE gets them.

10. Comms are to be used, not abused.

11. 12 cups of caffinated coffee is the absolute maximum before Morrie cuts you off.

12. Don't then lie to Ianto about how much you've had in order to get more.

13. Even though we all intensely dislike him for stealing our Jack, don't badmouth the Doctor. (At least, not where Jack can hear you)

14. Ladies! No gossiping in Japanese.

15. While it is possible to build a time machine from the alien tech in the archives, don't. We have enough problems with linear time thanks to the Doctor, Jack and the Rift.

16. Don't touch the Hand.

17. Wiggling one's eyebrows suggestively whenever Jack and Ianto make eye contact is not part of the job description.

18. The volume button is there for a reason.

19. No shirts, no shoes, no paycheck.

20. Don't shoot until you see the whites of their tentacles.

21. No pranks in the Hub. If we are going to have a prank war, it stays OUTSIDE

22. You cannot give Owen embarassing nicknamesbecause Morrie dyed him green.

23. Actually, please do. It will get him back for the incident that sparked rule 18.

24. You can't use the girls as bait. Even if they can kick the aliens' butts.

25. Jack flirts as easily as he breathes. That means you are allowed to say 'Don't start' the minute he introduces himself to someone. As much as we don't like him, the Doctor does get some stuff right.

26. You CAN use the boys as bait.

27. For the love of god, not every single pizza you order can be Hawaiian.

28. Don't put the thingamajig anywhere NEAR the whoosiewhatsit.

29. When Jack tells you not to disturb him, you do NOT want to disturb him.

30. Usually it's Ianto's fault. (see above)

31. The towel thing was funny the first time. Now, it just isn't. Stop leaving towels everywhere! We're not the HQ of the Hitchhikers' Guide, people!

32. No experiments on mice. Even in the name of 'Deep Thought'

33. The meaning of life may be 42, but the Ultimate Question needs no thought from us.

34. Don't Panic should not be written on every available surface, no matter how good a motto it is.

35. Guys, 'Keep Calm and Call Torchwood' campaign ends NOW!

36. You can't just answer every question you don't know with "magic".

37. There is no situation in which the phrase "I can't do it" is justifiable.

38. Stop asking Morrie "voulez-vous couchez avec moi?" - she doesn't care if it's the only bit of French you know, it's no longer funny!

39. And on that cultural note, YES Jack there were gay men in ancient Rome, NO Jack it was not everyone.

40. Don't shove sausages through the little holes in the containment cells to feed the aliens, no matter how good an idea it seemed at the time.

41. Stop playing 'It's the end of the world as we know it' whenever we're trying to stop the detruction of Earth. Funny once, not funny when it gets distracting and makes Tosh blow up part of Soho.

42. Continuing with the linguistics, yes, Morrie speaks every language used in 'So Long, Farewell'. She also has the same stance on 'The Sound of Music' as Crowley and Aziraphale. STOP SINGING IT!

43. And also, random 'Friends, romans,' was mildly amusing to begin with, but if Jack changes the words to make it ... well, Jack changed the words, and we'll leave it at that. NEVER AGAIN!

44. Morrie, Owen, Jon, Abney Park concerts may be cool, and it may be fun to dress up, but no, you may NOT raid the archives for 'cool stuff' to supplement your costumes with.

45. And, on that note, Owen is never allowed to get drunk after one of the aforementioned concerts. He sings very badly.

46. And on that note, Owen is just not allowed to sing. Seriously.

47. Yes, gun-twirling looks cool. No, it's NOT safe.

48. It doesn't matter how funny that new lolcat is, NO CHECKING PERSONAL EMAILS ON COMPANY TIME!

49. Asking Gwen about her "dentures" will only make the situation worse.

50. You CAN play "It's The End of the World as we Know It" when Jack starts talking about the Doctor.

51. No, we don't like MI6. No, we cannot make fun of them.

52. In addition, we cannot tease UNIT mercilessly for asking for our help.

53. Although it is perfectly ok for you to try and recruit Martha.

54. Continuing from rule 46, Morrie and Jack are the only people allowed to sing in the Hub.

55. And maybe not Jack, because we have standards, people!

56. And maybe only Morrie on good days... no matter how well you can sing, some occasions just don't call for it.

57. Don't laugh when Mickey comes by, alright? It's rude!

58. There's nothing funny about pickpocketing tasers from policemen. Okay, nothing much...

59. ... okay FINE, as long as you leave it in PC Andy's pocket afterwards.

60. NO PETS IN THE HUB. That's right, even axolotls.

61. References only half the room gets - not fair.

62. We are not the musketeers

63. Or the Winchesters

64. Or the Gentleman Bastards, so stop doing stupid stuff to save each other!

65. As usual, the exception extending to those who can return from the dead.

66. Or those in possession of escape ropes.

67. But if you haven't had your grapple-hook safety-checked in the last month... FORGET ABOUT IT.

68. Keep your hands to yourself.

69. And keep your weapons to yourself too, for that matter, especially in crowded train stations. (It tends to scare the *~~normal~~* people.)

70. If the label says that it belongs to Owen... you'd better believe that it belongs to Owen. Or else

71. Coffee in the morning is okay. Unless you are pulling an all-nighter, no more than two expresso shots after 4.

72. No opera in the hub

73. Everyone goes to Morrie and Jon's concerts. That's just how it goes.

74. We dislike River song as much as the Doctor because seeing her makes Jack saaaad.

75. You are not normally allowed to get smashed in office hours. You can however get smashed if there has been a TARDIS shaped disruption in linear time.

76. You may also get smashed if Jack proclaims "LET'S GET SMAAAAASHED!"

77. But seriously, guys, no illicit substances. We may be above the law, but we do have standards.

78. Impromptu disco in the prison bay: just no.

79. Impromptu snogging: also no. (Unless Jack has recently proclaimed "LET'S GET SMAAAAASHED!")

80. No morning-after sunglasses allowed - they wreck havoc with the retina scanners

81. Actually, sunglasses inside are a no all the time. Even if you are just trying to be cool.

82. No threatening eachother's dates.

83. No threatening Morrie's dates.

84. Actually, no threatening anyone, unless absolutely necessary

85. Tasers are a good idea. We're getting some.

86. You can threaten people with tasers. But only if you really need to.

87. For god's sakes, they're not toys! So don't put them near water!

88. No roasting marshmallows on tasers.

89. Furthermore, switching your tasers to "vibrate" and having "taser races" across the Hub floor is just NOT ON.

90. And while we're on the subject, taser towers will NEVER catch on and they will NEVER replace Jenga so you can FORGET ABOUT IT

91. Same goes for Phone Vibrate races.

92. And Phone Jenga.

93. No comparisons between us and various other fantasy teams.

94. Especially the Fellowship of the Ring.

95. Although you can call Gwen the Crazy Psycho Death Sidhe Lady, after the Leanansidhe from the Dresden Files. It fits, especially if you cast Jack as Dresden (and then, therefore, Ianto as Murphy, Tosh as Mouse, Jon as Marcone, Owen as Bob, and Morrie as Molly - Love, Morrie. Ha! I broke a rule!)

96. Okay Morrie, you win this round. But comparisons with TV Tropes stereotypes are FORBIDDEN.

97. The so-called "Silly Season" is no excuse for practical trickery.

98. Or excessive eggnog-flavoured jelly shot consumption.

99. Or mistletoe.

100. Always bring a towel.


End file.
